Suicidal Education
by 2cute4u24
Summary: My name is Jade West I'm sixteen haven't spoken since I was seven, the love of my life is Beck Oliver and I don't know how to tell him. My name is Jade and I'm suicidal. R&R please
1. Prologue

Hey, I'm back. Just finished my other story 'Hurt' a couple days ago. So heres a new one 'Suicidal Education'  
>I'm not saying that Jade is actually like this but her description is just for the scheme. Start<p>Suicidal Education<p>

I feel their eyes boring into the back of my head because I know they wonder how many times I have bled. It has been like this for as long as I can remember ever since my parents died I've felt nothing but blackness and that nagging emptiness. I have no friends I just have to look at myself and know why. My hair is like a longsatin curtain that hangs around my empty face its black as midnight it matches my eyes but their more soulless and opaque people never see my face because it is covered with this thing I call hair. My skin is an awful deathly pale I have no tan lines because I avoid the sun like the black plague, my skin is just a wasteful expanse of porcelain like skin the only colour I have is under my eyes they look like dreadful bruises but it's actually from all the crying. My body a waste, I'm dramatically underweight you can basically see the outline of my skeletal structure my face is like a withered odd skull arms and legs like thin braches posing to snap at any minute chest small and pathetic and everything else is not worth mentioning. I wear no makeup because my lips are pretty much naturally blue, my eyes always bruised and puffy and I know that no amount of makeup will fix this face. My clothes black always black never a hint of colour everything I own is black, clothes always baggy so they will never see how disgusting I am or the pain that hides. My whole existence is a joke even I know that now they all laugh at me call me names sometimes they will push me over hoping to get a response but I never do how could I because I feel nothing. This is my curse, my punishment for the things I never did I don't deserve this but you try and tell this to the gods they won't listen they never do their like humans only millions of times crueller. I hate people I really do but there is one exception to this feeling he is the only one I don't hate. He is beautiful unlike me he smiles at me when no one's looking he sometimes even talks to me he asks how I am I never reply of course but he understands it's like he can read my mind. I have feelings for him I have for many years now but I can't tell him and I probably never will I don't know how to speak anymore I haven't said anything for about nine years now the only way I can speak is through my writing. I have this journal, a diary that I write in everyday I have many of them so many I've lost count each one of them is filled with writings, poems, memories and drawings. I wish I could tell him how I feel because that feeling is the only feeling I have left in my body I dearly hold onto this because I know that it is my only hope of living. You see once I lose this feeling I will die because that feeling is the only humane part of me left.

My name is Jade West I'm sixteen haven't spoken since I was seven, the love of my life is Beck and I don't know how to tell him. My name is Jade and I'm suicidal. 


	2. This is my Life

Sorry I havn't ud in who knows how long. Here's chapter 2(dos)!;'{D

Jade's POV

I wake up eyes puffy red and bruised from last nights crying the cool metal still resting in my hand dropping it to the messy floor in clatters loudly against the ground hurting my sensitive ears. I listen hoping to hear my mother's voice calling for me to get out of bed but I know it will never come some small part of me still thinks that their alive but their not because they died about nine years ago. Tears begin to well in my eyes again but I quickly wipe them away making my eyes sting even more. I slowly sit up in my bed placing my blood stained feet on the floor I trudge over to the bathroom turning the shower on full blast I hesitantly strip my clothes still feeling like someone is watching me. I pull my hip length hair over my naked body covering all the most private parts I quickly jump in letting the water burn my skin but this doesn't bother me because I can't feel it it's only a vague sensation on my emotionless cocoon that I wrap around myself to keep all the unwanted emotions out. I soon finish up in the shower I jump out wrapping a large towel around my skinny body slowly I make my way through my messy room to the cupboard opening it I'm greeted by a tidal wave of black. My weary eyes search for a hint of colour anywhere but I see none I pull out a black long sleeved dress that hangs around my knees, fishnet stockings and fingerless gloves and a pair of combat boots. Gradually I pull on these clothes and make my way downstairs grabbing my school bag and walk out the door the sunlight temporally blinds me I hiss at it then slink into the shadows where I belong.

I whisper through school silently like a shadow in the night nobody notices me which I am thankful for I hate it when they look at me. I make my way down to the ancient willow tree I slowly lower myself to the ground taking a seat under the shady tree I whimper as my body aches I hesitantly pull up my long sleeve revealing I heavily bandaged arm I feel the distant sting run up my arm. I hate this I drop the sleeve letting it cover my dark secrets digging into my bag I pull out my diary reaching under my dress I pull out the chain with a skeleton key attached to it I place it in the lock and turn opening my diary to the marked page. Grabbing the pen I begin to draw random swirls and dark choppy lines begin to form on the once blank paper I feel tears drop onto the book then I hear someone approaching. Slamming the book closed I shrink into the tree hoping they won't find me but they do,

"Hi Jade" I male voice whispers I look up to find him standing there in front of me. Beck. My breathing halts watching as he takes a seat next to me I blush but I know it won't show because of my loss of blood I glance at him drinking him in. Glowing tan skin ebony black hair with a glossy sheen and his eyes those eyes like chocolate twinkling in the night sky. I notice he has his guitar with him of course he has it with him all the time I've heard him play and sing before it almost reduced me to tears.

"So how are you Jade?" he smiles I don't look at him but I shrug in response he knows that I will never talk but he still talks to me it's odd. I indicate to him slightly

"Oh me I've been fine thank you" he replies like I asked him a question he understands me more than I understand myself when your crush knows more about you than yourself knows you got a big problem.

"Jade" he leans forward now sitting right in front of me I blush madly he places his hand on my cheek I sigh and lean into it shivering at his touch I want it to be like this all the time he makes me feel something, something that I don't know what it means yet.

"Jade speak for me" my eyes widen to the size of dinner plates he wants me to speak for him he wants to hear my voice Beck stares at me intently my throat seems to close up and I can't breathe anymore. I feel my world plunge into an endless darkness I can't I won't speak for you Beck I'm sorry I just can't it hurts me so much so, so much I'm, I'm so sorry. My mouth began to form the words I desperately needed to say I need to try, try and tell him how I feel I felt the air rush down my throat then come back up the words on my tounge then. Suddenly the bell travels across the grounds Beck gets up quickly ruining the moment he looks slightly pissed (pissed= peed for younger veiwers;{d)

"You know Jade you can't stay silent forever because someday your life or someone else's will depend on it" then he left I stumbled after him 'I love you Beck' I mouth no words leaving my lips. I watch his figure disappear I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces I drop to the ground seeing my tears hit the earth in pain this is my life.

When I speak do you think it will hurt? Do think it will sting? Will it be worse than the anguish the cool metal gives me or be like another worldly game? Do you think it will sound like a rusty old pipe that has been banged and abused? Will it work anymore should it I mean after all it hasn't been used in over nine years. What did Beck mean when he said that it could be someone else's life I don't get it I don't get it but when, if I do speak I want him to be the one to hear it the one to hold me tight when I do say those words I want him to .

A ruler slammed down on my desk scaring the shit out of me I gaze up to meet Mr. MacLean's stony eyes I gulp he glares at me harshly I know all the teacher here hate me well most of them. I mean who really likes a silent student a girl that never talks only writes I know that they all hate this diary that I write in because it is a distraction.

"Jadelyn West are you paying attention" he glowers I remained silent

"I didn't think so" he smirks knowing that I will never reply I hear muffled laughter among the class.

"Jadelyn its rude not to answer your teacher" he smirks even wider more laughter he knows I hate it when I'm called by my proper name he's taking pleasure in my pain they all do.

"Give me the book Jadelyn" he grins I clutch it tightly "Now!" he demands snatching my diary quickly but not quick enough I reach out and bite his arm hard making him drop it immediately everything hushes. I watch as blood begins to trickle out of the marks MacLean's face twists in fury

"Principals office now!" he bellows deafeningly I cringe grabbing my stuff and rushing out of the room making my way to the Principals office. I knock on the door a muted 'come in' is heard from with in I push the door open greeted warmly by the Principal. Mr Ryan gestures for me to take a seat smiling sunnily he's one of the only teachers who are nice to me.

"So Jade what happened this time" he pushes a piece of paper and a pen at me he also understands I hate my proper name and won't speak this isn't the first times I've been here. I jot down events then hand it back to him he reads it then laughs

"You bit him" He chuckles I nod shyly he smiles standing up leading me back to the classroom I walk past Mr MacLean who is enraged after a quick talking to I'm off the hook he glares at me for the rest of the lesson.

I slowly munch on my apple I'm so tried and my jaw hurts maybe because I happened to bite one of my teachers maybe that's why sigh why can't I be a normal girl because normal these days normal counts as sluts and snobs and your not like that. Sigh society is fucked these days I close my eyes listening to sounds the wind, crying, birds... hold on crying? I bring my fingers up to my eyes no it's not me then who could it be? I listen closer it coming from the other side of the tree. I silently crawl around to the other side until I see a flash of red I cautiously reach out and tap on her on the shoulder she screams and jumps. She was sprawled on the ground patting tears streaming down her cheeks she sat up slowly I grimly smiled at her trying to show I was friendly which was proving to be hard for me.

"Oh I'm so sorry you just scared the crap out of me" she puffed clutching her hands to her heart I blinked at her she waited of me to reply which I didn't suddenly it seemed to click for her.

"Oh your that girl the one who doesn't talk umm what's your name again umm Jade that it or do you like Jadelyn" I shook my head furiously

"Ok Jade it is" she smiled then it disappeared and she randomly burst into tears. I sit there in shock totally oblivious to what I did she looks up at me

"Oh I'm so sorry that you have to see me like this my name is Cat" she sobbed that was when I realised who she was. Cat the bubbly random girl she was completely and utter desperate for Robbie Shapiro. I touched her shoulder she looked at me I mouthed "is this about Robbie?" She nodded stiffly "what happened" I mouthed again

"Well I might as well tell you. You see just before lunch I as you know was looking for Robbie as usual then suddenly I rounded the corner and there was Robbie and Trina sucking face then he saw me and called out Cat but I just ran away and I didn't get tell him- I didn't get to tell him that I love him" she blubbered breaking down. I felt a pang in my heart she was like me but how could Robbie not like her she is beautiful Cat has red hair, her skin was a slight tan colour that glowed vibrantly, big brown eyes and she wore not to sluttish but not to bulky clothes. She was very beautiful but how could I tell her I could speak to her but . I quickly dived into my bag pulling out a drawing I had done ages ago then I crawled back giving it to her. She studied it in curiosity her face slowly lit up then she beamed at me launching herself at me she hugged me tightly.

"Thank you thank you so much I will never forget this Jade I'm gonna go tell him now" she squealed jumping up and running towards the school I smiled slightly that was when it hit me. Why did I help her? She hasn't ever helped me before so why did I help her why? 'Because it was the right thing to do Jade mum would have been proud of you' that little voice in the back of my head whispered smiling I stood up. Thanks Blake I thought letting a small tears escape me eye.

The end of the day my favourite part of the school day I really hated this place it makes me feel weak and vulnerable I walked down the hall which was bustling with students almost there almost the- SMACK! I came into contact with the ground hard it stung an eruption of laughter soon followed. I looked up to meet a pair of cold brown eyes. Trina. She stood over me smirking I hated this bitch so much

"Oh sorry didn't see you there freak" she chuckled then stomped on my leg which wasn't covered in leather. Normal people would have screamed at a metal stiletto heel digging into their skin but not me I didn't feel anything. I looked around most people laughing, those small few with pity in their eyes and even fewer trying to do something about it I recognised few people who wanted to help but their boyfriend or friends held them back Cat was almost crying. Then I saw Beck standing there not even caring I felt as if Trina had stuck her heel through my heart instead I felt tears begin to swim in my eyes.

"Next time don't mess with my plans bitch" she scowled then took her heel out of my leg I felt blood begin to pour out but I couldn't care less the liquid began to pool under me. I stood up quickly and ran for it making blood splat everywhere but I couldn't care less.

I burst through my front door running into the kitchen the bleeding had stopped but I barely noticed. Grabbing the sharpest knife in the house I tore open my bandages and sliced it along my skin I sighed in relief feeling the liquid leave my wrist but that's when the blood loss hit me. I collapsed in the nearest chair that sinful sensation ran over taking my body the fatigue hit me hard sending me into a painless abyss. I promised myself and them that last night would be the last time but I lied I lied to everyone after all I am suicidal. This is my life. 


	3. A Happiness Short Lived

**Sorry it's been so long since I updated**

_It's been one week since I've cut myself, one week since I've bled and one week since I made some friends. I know this is really hard to believe that me Jade West has friends yeah it was impossible to believe I'm still trying to understand why I do have friends. But I'm glad so far I'm friends with Cat she has long wavy red hair with a shine to it, slight sienna skin which glows, brown eyes kind and considerate and a well proportioned body. Tori is a tan goddess with shimmering chestnut hair that brushes her shoulders, warm chocolate brown eyes, mocha skin with thick hips and large breasts.(A/N __**I swear that's a lie)**__ Robbie is Cat's boyfriend for about one week or so he is a skinny lean teen with black scruffy hair, pale skin and welcoming brown eyes with a slightly mischievous glint in his eyes. And last but not least Andre ok we're not really friends but we do get along really well I mean despite the fact he likes to throw paper at me in class but I usually is about Tori ok so thing is Andre digs Tori and Tori digs him but she is in complete and utter denial it's a Tori thing so I try and help him. Andre is well built with black skin, jet black hair which he styles into dreads, and then he has the most clearest brown eyes I've ever seen._

_So I have a small array of friends and well friendish people I consider myself quite lucky well except for the fact of Beck. Beck is the only person I've been in love with and he is pretty much the only reason I'm living right now you see if he didn't exist I wouldn't either I would have killed myself long ago. But the problem is he doesn't know, know that I love him with every atom in my body I love him but he doesn't know why? Because I can't speak ok it's so much I can't I just won't I don't understand it but I just can't bring myself to speak to form those words I desperately need to say. So that's pretty much my life so far nothing special has happened in a while and I don't think it will well that's what I'm thinking anyway. _

I closed my diary hearing the lock click I smiled slightly resting the book on my knee I leaned my head against the moist bark the rain had been pelting down all day I was resting under the old willow tree out of the rain though it did hit me on the odd wind direction I closed my eyes which didn't sting any more I haven't cried in a while too and it feels much better without the constant stinging.

"Jade, Jade where are you?" a voice shouted I blinked who was that? I looked around the tree to see Tori running through the rain by the time she got to me she was soaked and panting like she had run a freaking marathon she smiled through her deep breaths

"There you are I've been looking for you everywhere me, Cat, Robbie and Andre are going to the movies tonight I was wondering if you wanted to come?" she smiled warmly I was taken back she wanted me to go somewhere with them I literally jumped at the chance I nodded eagerly she beamed

"Great ok we'll see you there" she chirped before running off into the rain cursing loudly I giggled slightly. Wow this was awesome some humans actually want to hang out with me I was so….so…. um _Happy _that small voice replied I was happy that was something I haven't felt in…..well let's just say a long time I gazed up into the gloomy sky smiling to myself happy I was happy.

Ok this was a major problem I had no idea what to wear I know I know it's ridiculous I mean obsessing over what to wear like a drama queen was quite pathetic but there was a reason for my sudden outburst of concern to sum it all up in one word. Beck. Ok so it turns out that Andre invited him so now I'm really screwed I mean the only color I wear is black and well let's just say it quite a depressing color sigh I stood there staring blankly into my closet this sucked I wonder if I have anything colorful in the house…. That's when it hit me I did but it was in that room I shuddered this couldn't be happening but it was I slowly made my way down the hallway and stopped in front of the ancient door. I swallowed hard ok if I can do this quick enough it won't be that bad right? I placed my hand on the doorknob and turned it didn't budge maybe it's too rusted up I tried again it flung open and I bolted inside. I frantically looked around looking for that one thing then I saw it I rushed for it ripping it off the stand a spider jumped out at me

"AHHHHHHHHHH" I shrieked running out of the room slamming the door so hard that plaster fell from the roof I slid down hitting the ground. I crumpled against the door those disturbing images rushed through my mind, death and then the death defining bang that changed my life forever. I felt tears sting in my eyes but I blinked them away there was no time for this I stood up pacing to my room then I looked down at this piece of clothing _and I did this all to get you. _

Where the hell were they? I glanced around again still no sign of them sigh maybe they just set me up I felt my body jerk in realization probably what they did I sniffled standing up I started walking away regret and dejection swarmed my head then I bumped into someone I cringed waiting for the person to yell at me but they didn't I looked up only to meet a devious smirk. Andre a smiled immediately planted on my lips he grinned back at me putting his arm around my shoulder he turned to face the others my mood perked up

"See Mocha I told you beautiful women can't keep their hands off me" he chuckled Tori blushed looking slightly jealous too then I realized that it was Andre's arm around me that was ticking her off I smiled weakly at her she smiled back Robbie and Cat were too caught up in each other to notice what was going on then I saw him Beck. My heart kick-started into overload I began to smiled at him but then I saw the cold look on his face what did I do something wrong? Yes he was glaring at Andre's arm around me still I stepped out of his embrace he looked puzzled for a moment but then realized a smirk played on his lips. I blushed turning away

"Come on guys movie is starting soon" Tori sighed clearly impatience Andre leaned back whispering in my ear

"Go on go talk to him" he indicated to Beck I flushed even more if that was possible then he ran up to Tori placing his arm around her shoulder she held her fist up as a threat he laughed but didn't back off I giggled silently they were so cute.

"Hey" a voice said behind me I turned to face Beck I smiled waving slightly he grinned but it was half heartedly I felt hurt and jealously radiating off his body I felt horrible I wish I could say something but I couldn't so I reached for his hand but he stalked off before I could grasp it, it was like he had stabbed me in my heart I clucked it as the pain pulsated through it a silent tear rolled down my alabaster cheek well that was a happiness short lived I thought running after them.

After we payed for the tickets we walked into the cinema I glanced around where I was going to sit I saw Beck sit a seat in front of the rest I suppose I could sit next to him I walked down

"Hey Pasty come sit with us" Andre called I glanced at Beck he didn't even flinched anger boiled inside of me I squeezed through the seats taking a seat next to Tori she smiled warmly I saw her cheeks were flushed probably cause of Andre I smirked leaning back into the chair it was very comfortable.

"Hey Pasty that color looks good on you" Andre commented I blushed slightly taking in my appearance I was wearing a low-cut dress with puffy sleeves and the skirt area was also puffed it was a dark teal color that complemented well with my skin I smiled thanking him silently I glanced at Tori who looked deeply cut he probably never complemented her clothes I felt horrible then I looked at Beck and my heart ripped in two. He was glaring at Andre but then he looked at me the glare was so intense that I felt like I was exposed to him entirely like he could see everything then he turned around I choked from the pain it hurt so much Tori looked at him concerned

"Are you ok Jade" she whispered I shook my head tears stinging in my eyes she stood up leading me out of the cinema's and into the bathroom as soon as I got there I broke down.

"Shhh its ok it's gonna be ok I promise" she cooed how could she be like this after what just happened? I sobbed harder it's because she's a true friend they wouldn't love me if they knew my secret no they wouldn't ever love me if they knew

"Now what's the matter?" she soothed she reached into her bag grabbing out a notepad and pen handing it to me I wrote one word that explained it all she nodded

"I understand more than you think I mean Andre's just so hot and cold with me one moment he's showering me with complements and then the next he's hurting and laughing, teasing me it hurts more than you can imagine" she whispered I smiled writing something down and handing it to her she smiled hugging me then I wrote something else but ripped it out she look puzzled but let it go. We made our way out of the bathroom and back just in time for the start I handed the piece of paper to Andre he looked stunned but read it then smirked nodding as I turned back to the screen images soon started flashing I just sat there and watched I didn't notice for a long time until something was thrown at the back of my head I turned around only to face the queen of mean herself Trina. I glowered at her she laughed then I turned back to the movie out of the corner of my eye I saw Andre put his arm around Tori she blushed insanely but surprising Andre she snuggled into his arms I smiled I saw Robbie and Cat heads close together cute then it hit me I was the only one here without someone well besides Beck hold on where was Beck? He was gone looking around I couldn't see him anywhere I started to panic I jumped up from my seat and ran for the door the guys looked puzzled and slightly concerned I opened the door and froze. There stood Beck and Trina and they were they were…

Kissing.

My heart shattered I clucked it trying to keep the shards from breaking but it didn't help the pieces just stuck inside me that image burned inside of my head the doors opened again Cat, Robbie, Andre and Tori gasped at the current scene they slowly pulled away from each other Trina with the most evilest look in the world on her face she grinned slyly Beck just stood there not looking at us she flipped her glossy brown hair and stalked out the door I just stood there I couldn't move. Beck just stared at me regret swimming in his brown eyes but I couldn't care my heart didn't exist anymore I walked up to him the emptiness on my face must have scared him but I couldn't care less

"Jade I-" I pushed past him running out the door and into the cold night there was now no point in me living anymore.

**Beck**'**s POV **

The look on her face scared me there was no life in her eyes

"Jade I-" but she cut me off pushing past me she ran out the door

"Jade!" I called but she kept on running I turned around only to be slapped in the face it was that hard that I fell to the ground when I looked up Tori stood there towering over me and looking mighty pissed she glared at me harshly they all did I felt so ashamed of myself I had kissed Trina because I was jealous of Jade and Andre how good their friendship was but now I knew I had made a big mistake.

"You fucking idiot are you serious I mean kissing that freaking whore what the fuck were you thinking? I'm just embarrassed to be her sister!" Tori shrieked going in for another attack but Andre restrained her I was shocked she had actually swore at me Tori never swears

"Tori calm down" Andre whispered she screamed kicking Andre began to drag her away

"You idiot you fucking dick she loved you Jade loves you!" she yelled back at me my heart stopped beating she loved me? Jade was in love with me I stood up bolting out the door I had to find her before she did something stupid like I did.

**Jade's POV **

Tears stung in my eyes I hate him I hate him I screamed in my head over and over again I burst through the front door I made my way into the kitchen I couldn't do this anymore not if he didn't love me I couldn't go on without him this was the end I was over this thing they called a life I grabbed the drawer yanking it out the contents spilled over the floor I searched and found it. I held the knife up against the moonlight it glinted a red ribbon tied around the handle and a black rose in the middle the suicidal knife sharpest knife I have in this whole house one slice would probably cut so deep that I would be dead in less than five minutes I smiled through tears I raised the blade

"Raise the blade, feel the shame, because you don't know what your cutting away" I whispered silently bringing it down on my vein blood splattered everywhere my dress covered in spots and splatters of blood I love this dress I wore this dress to their funeral and now I was wearing it to mine I sighed in content I missed this felling missed it so much but then came the pain. I screamed in agony it was the worse pain I had felt in my entire life worse that their death, worse than Trina's heel and worse that this heartbreak I looked at my skin in wonder cringing in agony I was tainted now. Skin pure white, white as snow blood evil crimson, crimson my sin my vision blurred I couldn't see straight I fell to the ground my body began to contract in pain I closed my eyes then I heard a bang my eyes opened to see Beck he stood there in utter shock I imagine what it would look like me lying on the floor surrounded in blood I blinked slowly vision hazy again.

"Jade….JADE! Oh my god what have you done?" Beck panicked I smiled up at him as he crouched by my side trying desperately to stop the bleeding I smiled couldn't think properly anymore the pain was unbearable I screamed again horror clear on his face with my little strength left I grabbed him and pulled him down to my height I had to do this before I left. I kissed him planting my blood stained lips on his this was my first and last kiss I dropped to the ground again I couldn't feel anything anymore I closed my eyes and began to drift away but I still heard his voice.

"Jade please don't die don't leave me Jade…." Then everything went black.


	4. Losing Grip on Life

**A/N: Sorry it took so long I didn't have internet so I worked on it since Microsoft doesn't need internet so the last chapter will be up in about half a hour.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious I just use and abuse the characters. **

You know how they say when you die you go into the light….well their wrong because I haven't seen any light yet and I've been here for a while in the blackness the empty, dark, freezing and miserable blackness. There is no sound it's dead silent maybe I'm in hell but I did nothing in my life wrong did I? I didn't know where I was and I have this feeling that I don't want to know I looked around nothing still nothing I continued to walk not know where I was going but I figure if I keep walking I might go into the light. After a while I stopped this was getting me nowhere I looked around this sucked I thought death was meant to be peaceful and understandable but no it was a constant worry and completely confusing I frowned and huffed impatiently this was fucked I looked down at what I imagined to be my feet

"Jade" a voice whispered I froze immediately I glanced around not that it did much help

"Who's there?" I called out my voice crackled in pain and fear. Then I saw it the light I blinked it seemed to be walking towards me I cocked my head ok this wasn't weird or anything I squinted as it got closer there seemed to be a person, male I think surrounded in an angelic glow as it closer I realized who it was my heart leapt with joy as I ran towards him I impacted with his hard body squeezing the death out of him well more than he was already dead I looked up at him and my face fell. Blake. His light blue eyes narrowed into slits his mouth set in a thin line he glared at me stonily weren't he happy to see me?  
>"No Jade I'm not happy to see you" he hissed my name I cringed letting him go<p>

"Why not?" I questioned slightly hurt by his previous comment

"You know why look around you where are we?"

"Um well I don't know maybe hell… hey you didn't tell me you went to hell" I accused him

"We're neither in hell nor heaven for that matter" he sighed clearly annoyed

"Then where are we?" I shivered not that I was showing it I was scared to no end.

"Life after death" he whispered ok now I was confused

"What?"

"It's a place where souls go when they aren't dead but aren't exactly alive either" He explained

"So your saying I'm not dead" I was now angry how couldn't I be dead I mean serious I just freakin committed suicide

"Yes Jade you are so lucky that you aren't dead that boy must really care about you" He smirked

"Beck he's the reason I'm here and now he wants me alive" I was so pissed right now but he brought me out of my state

"Jade it's time for you to go now" he smiled grimly as he started to drift away.

"What no! Blake you can't do this to me I don't want to go back I want to stay with you!" I shrieked as I began to fall

"Goodbye Jade" Blake whispered tears in his eyes as he pushed me down into the abysmal hole I screamed as my life flashed before my eyes

"!" I screamed

"Don't come back anytime soon" he called after me

"NNNNNOOOO! I don't want to go back! BLAKE!" but I knew my screaming was useless he had left me suddenly I was faced with myself. I was looking down on myself this seemed to be a kinda out of body experience I was lying in a bed my skin deathly pale and breath coming in short and shallow pants somebody grabbed my hand well the alive me's hand. Beck.

"Jade please don't leave me please don't die" he whispered tears welling in his eyes one fell and hit my skin I was suddenly sucked back into my body.

I bolted up right panting sucking in all the oxygen I could get into my starving lungs tears stung in my eyes I fell back down immediately having a lack of strength I opened my eyes again gasping still where was I? Then I saw his face. Beck. I growled turning my head the other way I didn't want to see him I looked around the room it was all white everywhere whiteness my heart began to stir beating faster I heard a monitor counting my heartbeat I felt that thing in my arm feeding me blood unwanted crimson essence I glared at it jabbed into my skin with my little strength I raised my hand gripping the blood filled tube but someone's hands ripped mine away from the cord. I struggled against him no I didn't want this blood I didn't want to be here I wanted to be up there with Blake he didn't understand no one did

"Jade stop" Beck commanded I glared at him I didn't want to hear his excuses his lies I had heard enough already I struggled harder no, no, No, NO!

"Jade!" he grabbed my face making me stop completely he began to caress them with that little blood left I blushed no I couldn't fall for him not after what he did to me

"Jade please I'm sorry I know what I did was wrong fuck it was irrational and impulsive but I want you to know that I am sorry and you are the only girl in my life" those heartfelt words crushed the last of my resistance to dust drawing on the last of my energy I crushed my lips against his it was quick and swift but the most passionate and intense thing I had felt in a my life seconds later I dropped closing my eyes I felt back into my slumber.

**Beck**'**s POV **

Jade's head dropped onto the pillow within seconds she fell asleep her breathing was still light and choppy but she was starting to look healthier I smiled weakly brushing my hand over her lightly rosy cheek then I buried my face in my hands. This was all my fault the reason why she had almost died was because of me everything was my fault I remember it clearly….

_I ran after her but I couldn't see where she had gone it was dark the shadows swirled in the wind I rushed on trying to remember where she lived I mean I use to follow her home sometimes, a couple times before but none of this mattered now I had to find her to stop her from doing something stupid. Suddenly I got this feeling like a pain shooting up my spine I started to run I had a bad feeling about this I came to Jade's house it was in a secluded area away from everyone else then I heard a bloodcurdling scream that made me freeze. Jade. I bolted through the front door flinging it open I was horrified and stunned beyond belief. Jade lay on the floor surrounded in a pool of her own crimson essence she looked up at me blinking her eyes hazily she gazed at me dreamily her pale skin was blotted with dots as was her dress then it hit me she was dying._

"_Jade…JADE! Oh my god what have you done" the realization of this whole situation was weighing down on me. Then Jade did something unexpected she smiled up at me was she fuckin mad? I crouched beside her desperately trying to stop the bleeding she smiled again why was she smiling at me? Then it hit me she wanted to die! Jade screamed as another contraction of pain coursed through her then she looked up at me while I still tried to stop the bleeding. No, No! she can't die I won't let her please stop bleeding please I hissed to myself she blinked then pulled me down and crushed her bloody lips against mine. I froze Jade slowly dropped to the floor closing her dull lit eyes her breathing slowed I shook her limp body_

"_Jade please don't die don't leave me Jade…" I choked back tears. She can't die she couldn't I won't let her I carefully lifted her lifeless body I had to get her to a hospital… no somewhere else where I had all the stuff that I needed…._

I sighed pulling my head out of me hands I gazed at her intently I could still see the blood splattered over her body, her dim lit eyes, that smile, her scream, her lips and the weight of me now knowing that she was suicidal. This should be a shock to me but it wasn't I didn't feel any remorse or puzzlement it kinda fitted together I remember that day in P.E when she fainted after running now not many people faint after running a couple laps Jade wasn't unfit she was a bit underweight but that day when she fainted I saw her I saw her looking in the mirror at herself. Standing there in only panties and a bra had turned me on until I noticed a white cloth constricting her wrist I saw how thin she was and the scars that adorned her porcelain body I didn't think much of it back then but now I know that she wanted to die and obviously I wasn't helping the situation. I continued to stroke her pasty cheek she stirred I glanced up at the bag of blood it was almost empty I got up stalking away into the room next door opening the fridge I pulled out I bag of AB- she had a considerable rare blood type then again that was another thing we shared the same blood type. I walked back into the room changed the blood bag and slumped in my chair

"My fault all my fault" I repeated to myself I exhaled slowly closing my eyes slowly then it went black. In my dreams I saw Jade I saw her dying again it was worse than the first time as I began to surface I felt something gently racking through my course hair I blinked slowly my eyes meet a pair of light blue eyes she smiled down at me then I realized I was practically lying on top of her somehow I had gotten from the chair next to her bed into the bed. My head rested on her lap I went to get up but she pushed me down I blushed fiercely

"Hey" I whispered Jade smiled back she looked much better her skin had a rosy glow now he long midnight hair was mattered I slowly got up reaching into a drawer next to the bed I pulled out a brush. I positioned us so that she sat in front of me I slowly began to pulled the brush through her hair she sighed in content I plaited it after I was finished brushing I swallowed loudly I was gonna have to tell her soon.

"Jade I know your suicidal" I whispered in a hushed tone she froze.

**Jade's POV**

"Jade I know your suicidal" Beck whispered I froze immediately he knew he knew he wouldn't love me anymore he hated me he hated me I blinked back tears

"Jade, Jade what's the matter?" he questioned his voice laced with probably false concern I faced him tears in my eyes

"You hate me" I mouthed he looked puzzled for a moment then he put it together he shook his head laughing slightly I frowned I knew it he hates me I hung my head in shame what was I think how could anyone love a suicidal person.

"Jade" Beck smiled brushing the hair that covered my eye behind my ear I blushed

"Jade you silly girl I don't hate you how could I no matter what you do no matter who you are I don't care because I'm in love with you and when your in love nothing else matters" those were true, sincere and heartfelt words I smiled weakly hugging him tightly he embraced me back. I felt his tears in my hair he felt mine on his shirt he pulled away from me

"Jade when I saw you I thought I was going to lose you I thought I would never get to tell you how I feel please don't ever do that to me ever again because if I lost you I don't know what I would do" Beck confessed I kissed his tears away

"I won't leave you" I said silently then he crushed his lips against mine it was sweet and passionate we pulled apart seconds later I pulled him down onto the bed snuggling against his chest I closed my eyes drifting asleep and for once in my life I felt as if I was safe and secure and I was wasn't going to lose grip on life's games because when your in love nothing else matters.


	5. Silent Unheard Child

A/N In the last chapter when I said that she said something silently I meant that she mouthed it.

I blinked hazily taking in my current surroundings white, whiteness where ever I looked my heart began to pound I hated white then I noticed something warm underneath me something that wasn't white but had a healthy tan glow Beck. I sighed in relief snuggling closer into his warm chest I absentmindedly stroked it racking my nails delicately across his toned torso a deep noise rumbled through his chest I was startled a little by the sudden noise then I smiled weakly leaning up and kissing his lips. He stirred immediately I could feel his eyes shoot open with the sudden intimate contact I smirked as my lips molded around his seconds later after recovering from the shock Beck's arms wrapped around my body pulling me deeper into the already over friendly embrace. Even in my still weaken state I managed to blush as his fingers gracefully swept down the length of my back so his hand rest just above the lowest part of my back I felt suddenly uncomfortable when Beck's over eager fingers brushed the back of my bra and the upper area of my thigh. I pushed him away abruptly so he fell back on the bed as I embarrassingly brought my knees into my chest for some reason I began to choke back on sobs. Beck realizing what he had done pulled me into his chest stroking my hair

"Sorry I forgot your not use to this kinda stuff" he murmured clearly ashamed of himself these were the points in time where I wish I could, would speak sighing I slowly grabbed his hand then placed it over where I imagine my heart to be Beck blushed and tried to pull away but I held him firmly then experimentally I placed my hand over his I felt my heart pounding under our joined hands. He looked at me blankly then the pieces gradually fit together he smiled sweetly taking my hand and placing it over his heart I was surprised it was beating just like mine like we were in perfect sync. Leaning forward we joined our foreheads together breathing slowly and listening to each other hearts and we stayed like that for a long time.

**NEXT DAY**

"Jade. Jade get up" I was shaken from my deep sleep gazing angrily at my awakening only to find I was staring in to the most beautiful brown eyes my features softened. Yesterday we had spent the whole day together in silence it had been the best day I've had in a long time slowly I pulled myself from my bed Beck had taken me back to my place yesterday I let him stay the night though. Shaking slightly I walked over to my cupboard pulling out a black long sleeved turtle neck dress, fishnets and chunky leather boots I hastily chucked the items of clothing on my body and bounded my way downstairs.

"Morning" Beck beamed as I entered the kitchen suddenly I felt really shy and cryptic like we were back to square one when he hadn't even known that I had a thing for him when I was mysterious and just hid all the time I felt like for some odd reason I had to go back into that stage. I nodded quickly hiding behind the fridge door searching intently for the juice I still couldn't believe Beck actually loved me and he knew everything well everything that I wanted him to know there was one thing I would probably never tell him that one thing that changed my life forever. I jumped when I felt something touch my shoulder I turned to meet a pair of worried eyes

"Jade are you ok?" he said puzzled I nodded swiftly avoiding his gaze for some reason I felt I couldn't trust him.

"If it's about me knowing your secret and all don't worry I won't tell anyone I promise" he whispered softly I smiled a little suddenly a weight on my back disappeared.

"Thanks" I mouthed brushing past him and pouring myself a glass of juice I leisurely sipped glancing at Beck I saw a troubled look on his face

"Hey um Jade do you think you could lift up your dress for a sec" He asked nervously I almost spat out the liquid in my mouth he what! I wanted with every atom in my body to say no but I couldn't slowly, hesitantly I reached for the hem pulling it up at a teasingly slow pace I trust him and that's why I'm doing this because I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I suddenly found myself blushing with my dress resting just below my breasts Beck inspected me quickly scanning over my pathetic excuse for a body

"Ok I'm done" he murmured I dropped it instantly sitting down I felt extremely embarrassed and there was this irritating hot feeling pooling in my lower abdomen.

"Jade I'm worried about you your too skinny it's not healthy for a girl your age" he stated I stared back at him wide eyed he actually cared he cared tears blotted my vision but Beck mistook my happy tears for those of hurt.

"Shit um I didn't mean to hurt you feelings it's just I'm-" I cut him off placing a finger to his lips

"You didn't hurt me" I mouthed

"Your happy because I…I care for you" he said I nodded and he beamed down at me pulling my body against his

"I'm glad that you're happy because it makes me feel happy to" Beck whispered kissing my nose.

"Hold on so you guys made up?" Andre questioned I nodded shyly

"And now your going out?" another confirmation was made at that a smirked crept across the his face I suddenly feared our love's safety.

"Nice you finally got enough guts to get with him now all you have to do is get enough guts to fuck him" Andre grinned I gasped blushing then slapped him on his arm like hard well what I considered to be hard but he just shrugged it off laughing hysterically huffing angrily I turned away from him that made him re think his actions.

"Awwww come on Pasty I was just playin with ya" he said with a hint of humor in his voice I poked my tounge out at him meanly he sighed slouching against my back

"Well your lucky Pasty you got someone I got no one to love me not even my own parents does everybody thinks I'm useless" he mumbled sadly a small pang echoed off my heart me and Andre were so alike in many more ways than he could ever imagine. Hesitantly I turned around hugging his rigged body Andre stiffened under the contact but slowly relaxes into it seconds later I pulled away placing my hand on his cheek and stare into his charcoal eyes

"I don't think you're useless and neither does Tori" I mouthed he chuckles without any humor

"No she doesn't she hates me thinks I'm a worthless wannabe, truth is I really love her well I think it's love I mean every time I see her something swells in my chest and my body just feels warm I don't understand the feeling she gives me but I accept it cause it's one of the only things I can feel" he confesses the rough exterior disappears and the scared lonely child shines through. Your wrong that is what I want to say but the words get caught in my throat because I remember the promise I made to myself…..

FLASHBACK

"Jade why don't you speak come on just one word" Beck whispered as he sat on the end of my bed I shook my head he didn't understand I couldn't I didn't know how to I mean how could I, I haven't since I was seven and personally I don't intend to start any time soon.

"I can't" I mouth

"Why?" he says this time the hurt is clear in his voice I try to think of something anything to say but I can't he's right why? There has to be a reason doesn't there?

"Well your gonna have to speak someday and when you do I promise you I'll be the first to hear it" Beck said sternly before kissing my head then leaving my room that was when I promised to myself if I ever decide to speak again the first person to hear it will be Beck.

END OF FLASHBACK

My mouth hung open Andre looked at me expectantly he waited for the words to come out but they never did the look on his face fell he stood up then patted my crown of black hair

"Don't waste your breath on me Pasty I ain't worth it" he smiled but it didn't reach his eyes and with that he stalked away the echo got louder in my heart chokes soon turned to sobs smashing my fists against the cold hard ground why, why, WHY! Stupid unheard voice.

I ran as hard as I could I have to find her where the fuck was she? _Library check the library _yeah thanks Blake I thought to him I skidded to a halt there in the far corner of the library sat Tori studying of course. I quickly made my way over there slamming my hands palm down on the table to get her attention she jumped a freakin mile in the air

"What the hell! Oh Jade what l do you think your doing?" she exclaimed clutching her heart through her blouse. I glared at her intently she blinked back snatching a piece of paper I scrawled a message over it and thrust it into her face. Snatching it out of her face she read it in record speed she stared at me blankly a blush filling up her mocha cheeks

"Are you insane no way!" Tori gawked I shook my head glaring again accusingly this time she held her face together but cracked under the weight of my stare.

"Fine I'll tell him but why do I have to?" she quizzed grabbing back the paper I wrote something else she read it and her face dropped immediately

"You mean he doesn't think I li….like him?" I confirmed it she looked terrible then she stood up abruptly scaring the shit outta me.

"I'm gonna do it!" Tori declared not even bothering to grab her stuff she stormed out of the library in search for the man she loved I followed until I spotted Andre then I hid around the corner I peeked out for a better look. Andre looked scared as Tori stalked up to him I watched him cringe waiting to be abused but the only abuse he got was Tori's lips she grabbed his face planting a deep kiss on his surprised lips he looked shocked well that made two of us I didn't expect her to kiss him. Seconds later Tori pulled away smiling at him he smirked back making a smart ass comment which earned him a slap to the arm and a famous death glare but seconds later they were looking at each other with lovey-dovey eyes I decided to leave give them some privacy god I felt like I was becoming cupid for everyone except for myself. Sighing I trudged along making my way to the willow tree sitting under its branches I lay down letting my eyes shut for a second or so the sun crawled behind the clouds and an icy wind began to whisper through my hollow body…..

"_Jade why won't you talk?" a voice asked me Beck I looked up at him regretfully _

"_I'm sorry" I mouthed but he just shook his head no I wanted to cry as he walked away but I could stupid unheard voice silent, silent nothing _

"_Beck!" I cried but nothing no noise silent nothing I tried again_

"_Beck please don't go!" nothing silent unheard nothing then everything went black._

I woke with a jolt I found myself looking into those concerned, sensitive brown eyes

"Jade are you ok?" Beck asked I shook my head my body began to tremble tears bubbled over my eyelids he pulled me against his body soothing me repeatedly

"Shhh, shhh its ok I'm here now don't worry" Beck cooed tenderly I sobbed even harder I didn't deserve a boyfriend like this I didn't deserve anything I was nothing a stupid unheard silent nothing. Minutes past the tears turned into heartfelt chokes I wondered how long we'd been out here we'd probably be in class already but I couldn't care because no one cared for me.

"Jade its ok I'm not gonna leave you, you know that" Beck whispered brushing the tears away then pulling my body in for a hug I was soon enveloped in his warmth.

"I'm sorry I love you" a voice whispered delicately it was so soft I thought it would break in the wind Beck stiffened immediately pushing me away from him his brown eyes wide then I put two and two together oh my god if he hadn't said that then…


End file.
